henrike-schreer-life-coaching

The Key to Self-Love

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Wed, 03 Mar 2021 04:57:52 GMT

If you are on a journey of self-discovery and growth, following a major decision or shift in your life such as a major move, divorce, becoming a mother or dealing with the aches of an empty nest... you will have inevitably crossed paths with the concept of self-love . And whilst you might be on board with the idea and even keen to implement it, you might be wondering:

How do I love myself properly? And how do I know that I'm doing it right?

I remember when this first became a thing for me... I just couldn't figure out how I would know if I did! All I knew was:

I'm pretty confident, proud of what I'm doing and mostly like who I am. On a normal day, anyway...
I don't feel that buying more stuff or having a bath with rose petals and prosecco will do the trick (not even in a spa in Bali)
I don't want to go and spend tons of money on indulging myself with things I don't need

So am I missing the mark?

Being curious, I started looking into it more... To answer the question, we have to first define what love is . If you truly love someone (and aren't just 'into them' or 'find them hot'), you really care . You want the best for them, champion them, back them even when it's tough. You are honest with them, even if (actually, especially when) they don't want to hear it. You are in their corner and basically make sure that they have everything they need to thrive, whilst knowing you have their back unconditionally and are with them all the way. Right? That's what love looks like in my book, anyway.

So if we wanted to translate this into self-love, what would that look like?

Basically, like being our own loving parent : Caring to really know ourselves, beyond the superficial. Wanting ourselves to be happy and thrive . Hold ourselves accountable to a high standard (and yes, that includes all those annoying chores like making delicious, healthy food, even if we are at home alone...). Backing ourselves in difficult or toxic situations, e.g. in the workplace, or when it comes to friendships and relationships... When in a questionable situation, try visualising yourself at 4yo next to your adult self: a cute little innocent child. And now ask yourself: If she was being treated that way... would I be okay with that? Or would I step in and protect her?

If you want to contemplate this further, watch the video below to hear the full story...

Quit the Drama Cycle

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 05:44:24 GMT

The 'Drama Cycle' or 'Drama Triangle' is a brilliant concept by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman that explains conflict and social dynamics within difficult relationships, for example in families or in the workplace.

Have a look at the different roles you might be playing in different situations:

The Victim

The person in this position is feeling or acting like a victim. Their attitude is "Poor me!" and they feel oppressed, powerless, hard done by, helpless, hopeless and potentially even ashamed of themselves or the situation they are in, whilst not taking responsibility to change anything. In an almost child like way, they are unable (or unwilling?) to make decisions, solve problems or move out of their rut. Instead, they seek out help in the form of a Rescuer who will save the day but - when eventually frustrated enough to turn into a Persecutor - will perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings and defensiveness. Just like you might have heard before: "If you argue hard enough for your limitations, you get to keep them." - So unless the victim chooses to step up and take responsibility, they will remain in the same immature and therefore frustrating and unfulfilling position.

Please note: We are talking about a behavioural issue here - this does not refer to victims of abuse or domestic violence. That's a different context!

The Rescuer

The rescuer's attitude is "Let me help you." However, instead of actually helping the victim by empowering them, they act as an enabler , feeling good about themselves for being capable and competent in comparison. In this way, their 'support' keeps the victim dependent and doesn't challenge them to try something unfamiliar, risk failure and experience the consequences of their actions. Why would the rescuer do this? Because with their energy focused on someone else, they can conveniently ignore their own shortcomings. Their concern for the victim’s needs is, in actual fact, and avoidance of their own problems, while potentially building up a sense of entitlement along the lines of "After all I have done for you ..." - a victim mentality of their own.

The Persecutor (or Blamer)

"It's all your fault." insists the Persecutor. Controlling, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian and superior, they might have been either in the victim position or in rescuer mode previously, and have had enough . However, whilst asserting their power, their rigid attitude isn't helping either. They can see that the victim-rescuer dynamic isn't leading anywhere, but they choose anger and frustration, instead of holding their opponents accountable in a resourceful way.

So what to do?

Watch the video below to see the full cycle play out and hear about strategies for a mature approach . Once you see it for what it is, it will be easier to take an empowering and solution-oriented stance and exit the cycle for good.

Expecting too much?

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Sat, 13 Feb 2021 00:56:07 GMT

Working with a lot of female high achievers , I sometimes wonder how much of their success is due to their genuine joy in learning, growth and making a difference... and how much of it is the reflection of a need to please and earn love by meeting someone else's expectations ... Sounds familiar?

When you are putting too much pressure on yourself...

If you are often finding yourself bending over backwards , trying to live up to everybody's expectations (even the unspoken ones), that might be you. If you keep giving and giving until you feel you want to curl up in a tired ball and quit, it's probably time to look inward and see what's really going on.

The superpower of feeling and pre-empting everyone's needs can be a blessing and a curse. Whilst most likely it makes you a kind, empathic and often highly successful individual, it can leave you feeling drained and, often enough, get you to a place where you are completely out of touch with your own identity, boundaries and needs. Your focus is so strongly set on the external , that there isn't much attention left for your inner world.

Like most behavioural patterns, its origins often lie in early family dynamics or in our wider environment in early childhood. More often than not, adults who over-perform themselves to exhaustion, learnt in childhood that love, approval and validation were conditional , tied to meeting adult expectations. Whether it was performance in the classroom, sports or the arts, having to help out with younger siblings and taking responsibility far too soon or living within a plain dysfunctional dynamic like addiction and/or abuse... If at all, their needs were only being met in return for meeting someone's expectations . In addition, some of these kids were punished whenever they didn't live up to the standards - yet another incentive to constantly remain alert, ready to do what was needed to stay in the good books.

If that sounds like you, watch the below video and ask yourself these questions to de-bunk the myth that you have to do anything to be loved, valued or respected:

→ Who you were TRYING TO IMPRESS as a child, and who did you have to be, to please them?

→ How can you give up the SECRET BENEFITS you are getting from putting pressure on yourself?

→ How can you bring CHOICE back into your life?

Rediscovering the Sacred

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 17:48:38 GMT

When I spent 3 months in Bali in 2019 , one of the most beautiful aspects I learnt to appreciate about Balinese culture was the sacredness of day-to-day life.

From the daily small flower offerings in and around the house, to gathering the whole village at the temple, to honouring and maintaining sacred landmarks - Balinese culture lives and breathes connection to the Divine.

One of the most remarkable experiences was showing my niece and her friend this lovely sacred spring called Tirta Gangga , tucked away in the end of a small dirt road just outside of Ubud. Friends had shown it to me before, but this time we were greeted by a female priest who was tending to a small Shiva shrine right next to it.

She asked us "Ceremony?" and imagining she would make a little offering with us, we agreed. Instead, over the next hour she led us through a completely unexpected, beautiful cleansing and bathing ritual . Since we had our swimmers with us, she sat us down in the stream, washed us with mud, had it bake dry on us, then wash it off, all the way giving blessings with different waters, flowers and finally, incense. Initially we didn't quite know what to expect, as she didn't speak enough English to explain. But it was the most beautiful and revitalising experience, and the kindest gesture on her part, to make so much time for us.

What she didn't know was that this was my last day in Ubud and I had been feeling sad for days about letting it go, leaving friends behind and moving on. So to me, this unexpected gift was much more than just a sweet gesture, it was the most wonderful farewell blessing .

Bali will forever be in my heart as a place of healing, recovery, joy and reconnection to myself . A place of friendship and adventure, of feeling free and having ample time to heal and listen within.

What have been your biggest blessings in life? And how do you honour the Divine (in whichever way you perceive it) in your life?

Facing an Identity Crisis

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 17:47:17 GMT

Let's talk about identity crisis! Who's been there, and wondered what on earth has befallen them?

I've had several over the years.

After having a baby and being a stay-at-home mum for a year, when all I wanted was be out there in the world and work.
After moving to Australia, the famed 'trailing spouse syndrome'.
Again after my divorce, having to suddenly define my own priorities in life and noticing that I had forgotten what they even were.
Walking away from the work & project I loved and nurtured more than anything in my life ever before. Leaving for a number of good reasons, but with a broken heart.

Every time, there was grief over what was lost. Anger, sadness, definitely fear. And that feeling of wanting to rush back to 'normal' as quickly as possible . As if it was wrong to pause, reflect, feel... acknowledge.

In my recent series of expat interviews, one lady shared that one of her biggest a-ha moments when seeking professional help in her 'trailing spouse syndrome' crisis was that it was okay not to be okay . That maybe nothing was inherently wrong with her for not adjusting to the 'new normal' within days of her arrival.

They say that a relocation (and that's not even an international one) is as much of a shock to your system as a death among friends or family. In such a scenario, no-one would expect you to be 'just fine', would they? But packing up your life, the love for your people, your career and your kids and uprooting all of it at once is supposed to be a walk in the park...

When did it become the norm to expect ourselves to just 'get over it' when profound, earth shattering shifts happen in our lives? I know I did that to myself more than once. If you've ever lost yourself and couldn't find yourself anymore, that's you, too. As a mum, a partner, a friend or child. In a career transition or relocation. In a relationship with someone you deeply love. Or loved.

Here's to making time to put the pieces back together . Taking the broken bits and the glorious ones, and creating a most beautiful mosaic...

Curious for more musings? Watch the video below...

I was so exhausted...

hschreer.canberra@gmail.com (Henrike Schreer) — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 17:42:45 GMT

... that I was too busy to even notice. Functioning at full speed, until life came to a grinding halt by force.

Have you ever heard the saying "Some people need a Hi5. With a chair. In the face." ... Well, I guess that was me.

Honestly, I was in a place where I loved my life a lot. Had fun and meaning and good connections, but was also constantly tired and manically trying to keep up with my endless schedule . Somehow never quite slowing down enough to realise that what I was doing simply wasn't sustainable.

It was only in hindsight that I could see just how exhausted I had been. I realised that...

it wasn't normal to lie awake for hours in the evening, unable to sleep.
it wasn't normal to live with lower back pain every day.
I wasn't, in fact, responsible for e v e r y t h i n g.
you should be able to go without working for a whole weekend, most weekends.
if I slowed down, the world wouldn't collapse.
cooking a nice dinner could be fun, especially if I hadn't had a 10hr work day by the time I got around to it.

Simple, huh?

And yet somehow a really big deal and not comfortable at all. You think it feels good to slow down? Well try hitting the brakes when you go at 100km/h . Not fun. But sometimes necessary to avoid a major crash.

This might strike a chord if your identity is tied up in being a high performer . If you were the successful, straight-A kid. The low maintenance teen skipping from one extracurricular activity to another and doing reasonably well in all of them. If you derive your self worth from success, performance, your smarts and/or outwardly achievements...

If that's you, and you've hit a show stopping wall like I did, welcome to the void . That quiet, timeless, floating space of nothingness, where you are already painfully aware of 'who you are not anymore' , but don't quite know yet who you will be. In your rush, you might perceive this as painful, icky, boring, wrong... but what if this was the silken cocoon, and you're the butterfly in metamorphosis? What if this wasn't the end, but a new beginning...?